Sally Spandram had just come back from a caravan holiday, which she had taken using her Taylor Made Windrush caravan, a spacious and perfectly laid out mid-range piece of mobile home apparatus that meant she could holiday in the relative lap of luxury while enjoying the freedom that only Taylor Made Caravans can provide.
On her holiday she had got into a scrape on the edge of a cliff, only to be rescued by the owner of the caravan site she was staying at, Michael Mafftremenickle. After the rescue, she and ‘Mike’ had a romantic moment in which she plumbed the depths of degradation and off-limits sex play.
The next day, Sally felt a bit awkward. Michael had asked her to do things to him that were out of her comfort zone and arguably inappropriate, but because Sally was so sex positive, she just thought it was all part of the whole Girl Power ethos she was a blind follower of, and spitting on a man during sex was healthy experimentation and not some kind of weird exercise in male manipulation and abuse.
Michael Mafftremenickle had asked her to say things like ‘You’re a dirty boy and Mummy’s very angry with you and is going to punish you’ and so on.
Michael had left by the time she woke up however, leaving behind a Crock, the smell of sex and quite a lot of spit stains on her duvet. After having a shower, and putting on some make-up, Sally Spandram was ready for the day. She took one look in the mirror and said to herself, ‘Awkies!’ Then smiled, put two fingers up and yelled ‘GIRL POWER!’ and set off for the day.
She decided to take a walk into the old town, being very careful not walk too close to the cliff edge again! As she thought about Michael she began to wonder if he really WAS boyfriend material. Maybe all those demands to be degraded and spat on were a bit of a red flag. He was into climbing sure, and he was dishy, but all that spitting. Hmmm. She just couldn’t make her mind up!
As she passed the various souvenir shops and an ice cream parlour, she noticed a door that said ‘Christopher Crimpoline, Psychic, Medium, Healer, Dyno-Rod’. ‘Oooh’ thought Sally, I wonder…
Never one to pass up an adventure, Sally Spandram pressed the buzzer next to the peeling sticker that had ‘CC’ written on it in calligraphic writing.
‘Hello?’ said a deep and mysterious sounding voice.
‘Oh yes hi, my name is Sally, Sally Spandram’ said Sally Spandram.
‘Hello Sally, is this plumbing or ghost-related?’ said the voice
‘Ooh, ghosts I guess. I’m just curio…’ and with that the door buzzed open.
Sally climbed the steep steps that were just inside the door. All up the staircase were little china and bronze ornaments, a Buddha, a Ganesh, a drain snake unclogger, a virgin Mary, an L Ron Hubbard, and a toy stormtrooper. There were sheets of patterned material billowing from the windows keeping out the light, they were dyed with all kinds of kaleidoscopic colours. Sally thought it made the place look very spiritual and mystic and the sort of place a medium WOULD live in.
As she approached the door and reached for the handle, the voice boomed from inside the room, ‘Come in Sally Spandram’.
‘Gosh’ thought Sally, ‘how did he know I was there and that was my name?!’
The room was filled with candles, incense, more of the Thai dye sheets and that, some paintings of clouds with sunlight streaming through them, loads and loads of those big cushions and bean bags, and a toolbox next to an old sink in one corner.
Sat cross legged on the floor was a man with long jet-black hair. He was tanned and wearing what looked like pyjamas but were probably eastern robes of a shaman. He had a goatee beard and piercing green eyes.
“Welcome Sally, welcome. Please, sit down here” and he pointed at a beanbag opposite him. Sally sat down carefully, removing her shoes once she had. She had to change her seating position a couple of times to get comfy, but once she did it was quite nice. She gazed around the room and then looked at the man. He was quite a looker. Mystical sure, but good looking with it.
“Hi.’ Said Sally nervously, “I’m not sure how this works. Should I pay you some money?”
The man put his finger up and leant over, pressing it to Sally’s lips. “Shhh Sally shhh. Let me read the spirits. I’m getting a right strong vibe off them at the moment.”
“Oooh okay” said Sally and as she did he put his finger to her lips again and said shush.
“My name is Christopher. I am your guide on the journey into the ethereal, into the spirit world. The spirits talk through me, sometimes they get things wrong, and sometimes you don’t understand what they mean, and sometimes it will sound weird, but I only tell you what spirit tells me. Okay?”
Sally nodded, thinking this was both exciting, a little scary, but also incredibly sexy.
Christopher Crimpoline closed his eyes and smiled. He started nodding. Then seemed to be speaking to someone who wasn’t there.
“Hmmm? Really? Yes. Yes. Yes that’s her. She is very attractive yes. Hmmm. Why? Okay I’ll ask her.”
Christopher broke off this chat and looked back at Sally, “Sally Spirit wants to know if you find me attractive? God knows why!”
Sally blushed a little and said, “You are quite dishy yes.”
Christopher adjusted his pyjama bottoms at the crotch and closed his eyes again.
“Hmmm? Yes? Yes I see. Hmmm okay.”
“Sally? Spirit says you are lonely. Spirit says, unless you let go of your inhibitions, it’s likely you will be unhappy for a very long time and have a really sad life and probably die alone.”
“Gosh!” said Sally, “That’s a bit of a downer!”
“I know right! But I can only tell you what spirit tells me. They also say you should buy a caravan and recommend anything by Taylor Made.”
“Ha! That’s amazing! I have one!”
“Nice.” said Christopher.
“Now then, have you lost someone in your life?”
“Yes my Na…”
“Don’t tell me!” said Christopher. “Was it your Nan?”
“Oh Em Gee!” said Sally! “It was!”
“Did she die of an illness?”
“Yes. She wants you to know she is fine. She is happy. She’s in the afterlife with loads of animals and people she likes and good telly.”
“Oh, that’s nice” said Sally.
“She also wants you to lose your inhibitions. And be free. It is the only route to true happiness. She didn’t do that and so she died alone.”
“Wow. Okay” said Sally.
“I can only tell you what spirit told me.”
“Yeah, that’s mad”
“I know right!” said Christopher, taking his top off to reveal a buff and glistening torso.
“It’s terribly hot in here don’t you think?” said Christopher. “I actually need to take a look at those rads, you can take some clothes off too if you like. It can make you more close to the spirit world.”
“Really?” asked Sally.
Sally peeled off her tiny top and before you knew it the pair of them were at it hammer and tongs. They both had about five orgasms each. It was amazing.
When they finally finished Christopher got up and pulled up his mystic trousers. She noticed on the stripy trousers it had a ‘St Michael’ label. He took a drink from a Ribena carton that was on the floor then said, “The reading will be £70.”
“Oh. Okay” said Sally.
“And if you have any plumbing issues I can take a look at those too. Not for free but you know, mate’s rates”
Sally smiled to herself and then thought, ‘Thank GOD I haven’t bagged a weirdo this time’ and then she imaged what an exciting time she and her Psychic Psex Machine would have as he pushed her out of the front door and took the £70 out of her hand as he did.