Updated: Apr 27
Sandra and Bill were spending the afternoon at the garden centre for her birthday.
Sandra had found some dahlia bulbs she really liked the look of and were on offer, and Bill was admiring some of the larger spades. They had been there nearly an hour and then stopped in the little café for a pot of tea and a brie and onion toasted baguette which was a bargain for £5.99 all in.
That's incredible value when you think about it. They'd discussed how the centre turned a profit but Bill explained to Sandra that they might take a short term hit on the baguette etc., but the real benefit would be seen by the revenue generated by the passing trade from those customers lured in by that offer which would result in increased footfall and notable revenue upside.
It was Bill that had first got into dogging. Bill was an average looking man and in his job as a financial advisor to small businesses for the TSB meant he spent a reasonable amount of time driving around in his Renault Megane. Bill liked the countryside so it gave him the chance to visit secluded areas of natural beauty where men would park up and then watch someone else's wife have complete liberties taken with her body in what amounted to a sort of sordid and sexy feeding frenzy of fat, bald oversexed local men.
Bill found the whole experience exciting, and was soon videoing it because he videoed everything. He videoed all sorts of family events; weddings, baptisms, even a few funerals. Eventually he showed one of his naughty videos to Sandra. As soon as she watched it, Sandra was really turned on because she was absolute filth and had a right dirty mind. She also had an extraordinarily low opinion of herself so, bored of Bill’s approach to sex which, up to that point had been pretty much always doggy style (ironic!) the sexy part of her brain worked overtime.
Sandra floated an idea to Bill one day over a cheese and ham croissant at the small bakery next to the Tesco Metro in the high street. She suggested that she should join Bill and partake in the sexy delights of anonymous, filthy, degrading and ultimately very damaging and dangerous sexual encounters with men who could be, let's face it, anyone. She just didn't care though! She was mental!
“Bill…?” she asked plaintively.
“Bill, how would you feel if I went with you to one of the dogging sites, and we let men do stuff on me and stick their things in me and do all their business on me and call me all sorts of horrible names? While you watched. Just you know, to see what it’s like?”
Bill leant back on his chair and finished chewing his ham and cheese (I think it’s more correct if it’s ham and cheese rather than cheese and ham don’t you? I mean, the basis is the ham really, cheese is the topping) croissant. He wiped his mouth with one of those waxy little napkins that come out of the little dispenser on the tables and are too small and barely do the job in fact. I don’t really know why they bother.
He looked intently at Sandra, squinted and then said, “I don’t see why not.”
And so it was that every week, Bill and Sandra would frequent various car parks near areas of natural beauty, where invariably Sandra would get a right good seeing too. And she loved it (but never anal because she wasn’t mad!)!
She was a veritable Piccadilly Circus but where instead of cars and people there were bald fat weird men with their thingies out.
So anyway, back to that day in the garden centre, and the café.
“Bill, shall we see who’s at the dogging site near here? Might be fun?”
“Hmm” replied Bill thoughtfully. “Not sure anyone will be around love. It’s only 4:30pm.”
“Oh come on, we’ll just have a look and if no one’s there, we can just go home, have that nice Tesco Finest Lasagne, and watch the Chase. It IS my birthday!”
Bill acquiesced, which means agreed, and so they drove to the local site which was known as Cock Town to those that frequented it.
When they arrived, there was a white transit van parked up. It looked deserted though, so they just sat there for a bit. Bill eventually got out of the car and leant back in the open window and said to Sandra, “Just going for a tinkle my love”.
Sandra felt disappointed. She was right up for a bunch of strange men do their stuff on her, but this was very much the birthday let down.
All of a sudden, the back doors of the white transit flung open. And eleven burley, musclebound men climbed out, fixed their eyes on Bill and Sandra’s Renault Megane, and started marching over. Sandra was nervous, but exhilarated.
She looked back at the van and it was only then that she realised printed on the side it said, ‘Local Rugby Team’. Oh gosh she thought, eleven burley, musclebound men are going to take turns on me! She slowly climbed out of the car and did an exaggerated wink to show them she was well up for it, the filthy cow.
And so they did. It was like a game of fleshy KerPlunk a with Sandra as the large plastic tube with the holes and then men as the pins that go in.
Sandra couldn’t believe her luck, what a wonderful birthday, first the garden centre, now this!As she cleaned up. she saw that the van was driving off but there, stood smiling at her, tucking himself in, was Bill. The dirty beggar.
He sauntered over to her with a sly grin on his face. Handed her a half-used roll of Bounty kitchen roll and said,
“Happy birthday Sandra.”