Updated: Jul 16
Sally Spandram had been on caravan holidays nearly every year of her life, but this was the first time she had taken one on her own, as a newly single, sexy, and thoroughly sex positive woman.
Each year, Sally went away with her parents when they were together, before her Dad ran off with the young girl who worked on the meat counter at the Tesco Extra in Rickmansworth.
Sally and her Mum had grown suspicious that her Dad was up to something after he started regularly making them his ‘speciality meat sandwich’ ‘as a treat’.
His meat sandwich was in fact slices of ham placed inside the bread (which was not bread, but in fact thick, buttered slices of pork), served with ‘a side order’ of chicken roll or corned beef as a sort of salad. But a salad made of meat. It was disgusting.
Not only that, he regularly reeked of salami and scotch eggs, and worst of all, of the perfume, Stunning, by Katie Price, which got right to the back of your throat.
But despite a few grim memories, Sally Spandram had a soft spot for caravanning. Where else could you take your home with you and pitch up where you liked to enjoy green pastures, or a sea view, and all for the price of a small entrance fee to the site.
Sally’s family had always bought their caravans from Taylor Made Caravans of Hull. They found the choice on offer unrivalled, catering as it did for the beginner caravanner who didn’t want to splash out too much, right up to the seasoned pro who wanted all the mod cons and wasn’t afraid to pay for it.
Yes, Sally thought regularly, Taylor Made Caravans really is ‘Where Dreams Come True’, which was also their advertising tag line.
And so it was on a muggy August afternoon that Sally Spandram, 33, set off from her home in her 2015 VW Golf and towing her nearly new caravan, the Taylor Made Windrush. The Windrush was a mid-range model, and despite being described as a ‘re-badged Coachman with the most ill-judged name I’ve ever heard’ in Caravan & Motorhoming magazine, it was just what Sally wanted. It had all the usual amenities; shower, work surfaces etc. but it was a two birth, and both were doubles. She also liked the little touches, each Windrush came with the option of name. This one was called ‘The Philip’.
When Sally arrived at the park it was getting dark, at the gate was the owner. He was about 35, all rugged good looks, stubble, chunky jumper but with loads of muscles and looked like he could tow a Taylor Made Excelsior Caravan on his own!
‘Oh hi there, I’d like to pitch up if that’s okay?’ said Sally.
‘Hello Missy,’ said the owner all bumpkiny and such, ‘that shouldn’t be a problem, how long are you staying for?’
‘Oooh, maybe three nights? Is that okay?’
‘Of course it is, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I will give you a discount of 20% off’
Sally blushed as red as the red stripe that runs down the side of the Taylor Made Dreadnaught Caravan that looks really amazing and like something out of a film.
‘Gosh thank you,’ she said, ‘my name’s Sally. Sally Spandram.’
‘Well ello Sally Spandram. What an unusual name. My name is Michael. Michael Mafftremenickle. You can call me Mike though.’
‘Thanks Mike, I will. What is there to do for fun around here?’
‘Ha! Me? As in do me? No but seriously that’s just flirting. There are some nice walks. I myself sometimes do rock climbing near the coastal road, I even have a whole bunch of winches, ropes and so on. But that doesn’t seem like a relevant tangent in this conversation. Maybe try a few walks and give me a shout tomorrow night and I’ll give you some of my home made scrumpy’
‘Ooh, sounds lovely.’ said Sally, ‘Thanks Mike!’
And with that Sally eased away and found her space to park her Taylor Made Windrush, which was easy to do as it was so versatile and deceptively easy to park.
She sat outside that evening, eating her dinner, thinking of what to do the next day, but also if she was honest, thinking about Michael Mafftremenickle and his rugged good looks and broad shoulders.
She imagined them together. Not just doing dirty things, she imagined them going shopping together, buying food. Having an argument about eating too much red meat, agreeing to only do it once a week because it’s not good for you, and then making up. Then she imagined them browsing the catalogue of Taylor Made Caravans, weighing up which one to get next, and Mike making jokes about them having so much brilliant sex in it and her being so excited about it that she made a lot of noise and it woke up the other guests who were also in caravans.
Sally went to sleep that night all warm and sexy, thinking about all the things she, Sally Spandram, and Michael Mafftremenickle would do on each other. She didn’t even need to put on the Taylor Made Heating System which had been designed by a Vietnamese company called The British Caravan Company. She dreamt about Mike going nuts on her tuppence with his tongue and all manner of filthy what-have-yous that she’d watched on porn because she was so flipping sex positive and loved all that stuff.
The next day Sally decided to take a walk down by the coast. She might even take a dip in the sea, she thought. Partly because it’s refreshing and she had plenty of towels in the ample storage capacity available in the Taylor Made Windrush she had purchased for what seemed like next to nothing. But also partly to cool her jets (as she liked to say because she was a little bit zany in that 90s way) after a night of mucky dreams.
When she got to the coast she took a walk along the cliff tops. It was a lovely view, intoxicating almost, the sea was an aqua marine similar to the interior she’d once seen in the Taylor Made high end model, The Sultan. The Sultan was an extraordinary piece of mobile home living, even the mod cons had mod cons if that makes sense! And even though it came with all kinds of extras like disco lasers, hideaway pot pourri bowl compartments, and her favourite, an extra strong beam inside that could take the weight of a person on say, a sex swing, Sally wouldn’t give up her Taylor Made Windrush for anything. She loved it. That’s the kind of experience you get from a Taylor Made caravan.
So anyway, this view. Even with the strong wind, dive bombing seagulls, and a distinct lack of railings at the edge, Sally couldn’t give a flip. She was on holiday! Why not go up to the edge and look down! Girl power!
So Sally Spandram approached the edge of the cliff, ready to peer over and scream, and then maybe call her Mum and tell her what a complete nutter her single, 33-year-old, sex positive daughter was!
But just as she got there, the ground gave way, Sally slipped and felt herself falling. She quickly spun and grabbed at the grass on the cliff edge. Hanging by a few blades of grass, Sally thought, oh my god, what shall I do…? Who lives locally and might have some ropes or something?!
TO BE CONTINUED…