Who is Kelli! Taylor?

by Wendy Arronbrook

Kelli! Taylor is more than just a hairdresser; she’s an agony aunt, a mentor, a guru. More yet, she’s a psychic, a healer, an empath. She’s also a reluctant messenger.

 

“I can only tell you what spirit told me”, She’ll scream at you in the ladies toilet of a night club after she’s given someone some unsolicited advice about clothes from a dead relative.

 

“I’ve always cared about people” Kelli! is keen to share. “I care about everyone, even if you’re a bit (Kelli! pushes her tongue into her bottom lip and bends her wrist at a sharp angle whilst making a deep ‘nnngghhh’’ sound) No... I care about you even more if you’re like that.”

 

Kelli! was born during the last century. She refused to tell me when, but only because her mother has forced both of her children and grandchildren to sign NDAs about their ages. She also has the date of her wedding and subsequent divorce changed every five years.

“My mother is very supportive of me and always has been. She’s told me that she loves me far more than my father ever could. I’m really lucky. I’m also lucky that even though my mum and dad got divorced and hate each other, they stayed together for the sake of the house. So I’ve been blessed to hear my parents argue about who loves me most and who’s the biggest bastard or bitch. To be honest, it’s made me who I am today, and I don’t care who knows this, but I like me a lot”

 

When Kelli! was born it was a time of great celebration. Kelli!’s mum, Marion feared she would never be able to conceive, but after two frantic weeks of  “trying” unbeknownst to Kelli!'s father, she eventually created life.

 

As soon as she found out she was pregnant Marion confronted the baby daddy, Garrie, and within the week he decided to leave his wife and start a new more turbulent life with Marion.

Marion and Garrie were a formidable pair. With Marion’s background in party planning (Tupperware and Avon) and Garrie’s background in security and what a court would later state is “tantamount to extortion” but what Garrie would say outside the courthouse “is definitely not extortion”, they decided to start what was to become the most successful caravan factory in Hull - Taylor Made Caravans.

The Taylor family lives together in a sprawling network of static caravans and renovated barns. So even though Marion and Garrie are no longer married they can simply add more rooms onto their home so that their paths don’t cross, sometimes for weeks at a time.

Kelli! who is fiercely independent, lives in her own section of the ever growing warren. As does her teenage son BLAYZAH! Joining them in different wings, are her younger brother Krissz and his daughter, Chemistry.

Ever the entrepreneur, Kelli! was presented with her very own salon for her 36th birthday. “I’m a firm believer in cosmic ordering," she says, "and after talking with my parents at length about what I was asking the universe for, I got the exact salon I wanted. I have to say I wasn’t at all surprised because, like I said, I believe in it. It works."

 

The salon which she named “Hair, Body. Her Choice” is one of the most fashionable places to be seen in, in all of Yorkshire, according to Kelli, and no one is calling her a liar. I want to make that perfectly clear.

 

She works there with her dedicated team; "Jackie. Jackie Price IBS, Becky [I’ll let you know when I remember], and Debbie “Downer” Coachman". Kelli! tells us that Debbie isn’t in any way depressing, she just once had Bell’s Palsy and the name stuck.

“The thing with my salon is, it makes every other salon look like pure shit” beams Kelli!.

This is from the internal company magazine Taylor Times that is given to all employees of Taylor Made Caravans Ltd. Written by Wendy Arronbrook

Kelli! Taylor is Hull's number one stand-up comedian, celebrity hairdresser, psychic, healer, and life coach.

©2020 by Kelli! Taylor. Dictated to a nerdy little lad who fancies her but frankly is probably gay so who cares.